Any gardeners out there?

Any gardeners out there? I recognise the fact that, at 25, there are plenty of other things I could be doing rather than gardening but I’ve got quite fond of it; as one is inclined to do about any form of legitimate distraction when ones’ sex life is inert to the point of requiring machines that go ‘PING’.

But yes, gardening - huge fun. Through my walking amongst the plants in my garden and my inevitable conversations with the little darlings, I’ve discovered that I have a repressed desire to be a sort of Sergeant major. “YOU CALL THIS A TOMATO? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY”. However, I don’t advise that you spend your time attempting to force a tomato plant to do push-ups — they are remarkably and, indeed, notoriously stubborn on this issue.

In fact the tomato plant is something of a pebble in my shoe to be quite honest. While all the other vegetation obeys me unquestioningly (my three clematis plants being amongst the ranks of the particularly impressionable. Bless them!) the tomato plant is not only insubordinate but also prone to fits of depression, anxiety and histrionic displays worthy of Liza Minnelli. I will reach the end of the garden, having inspected and admonished the snapdragons, only to find the tomato plant a withered husk — bent over as if weeping.

I say to it ‘Now come on old horse, lets not get upset.’ But it won’t hear of it and (again like Liza and her mum) tends to only be coaxed back from the precipice by offerings of drugs.
I think I’ve figured what the issue is though — what it is that’s damaging the Tomato plants’ self esteem. Visible from the garden, is the kitchen window — in which I’ve got three pepper plants growing and from such a height, staring down at the garden, they take on something of the flavour of royalty. It is this that has embittered my Tomato plant, though none of the other occupants of the garden feel that same rivalry for they are all flowering plants and do not carry the burden of fruit and veg.

However, I was still perplexed as to how the pepper plants could have such a pronounced effect until I went back and looked at their seed packets. Only then did it all become clear. In my confusion and panic in the garden centre. I accidentally bought a packet of Malaysian gloating peppers. No wonder the tomato plant is a wreck — the pepper plants have been gloating at it from inside their kitchen palace for five months. I’ve since dealt with the problem, I’ve deputized a very witty orchid and charged it with keeping an eye on them at all times.

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